Letting Go

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.”

— Tao Te Ching

First off,

When I let you go, it didn’t mean that I loved you less. It didn’t mean that I didn’t see a future with you. It didn’t mean that I no longer wanted to hold on to you. It didn’t mean that I met someone else. It didn’t mean that I was tired of you. It didn’t mean that I stopped caring. It didn’t mean that you consumed me, as the female black widow does after mating with the male spider. (Now you know why this spider is called, the black widow.”)

This hurts me more than it hurts you. Trust me.

I let you go because:

Ithought you became distant. But what I realized weeks after letting go was that you never actually became distant. You actually gave me the space I needed so that I could miss you. In my blindness, I thought that you stopped caring. In actuality, you cared too much.

You cared so much that you put up with my shit. While I was holding on to you so tightly, little did I know I was actually pushing you away. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Up until that last second, I finally decided to let you go.

I didn’t give you the space you needed to breathe. And so, I’m guilty of not allowing you to love me, freely.

I let you go because:

  • If I held on any longer, you would have been the one to let me go.
  • You deserve to be free, you deserve to live your life.
  • You don’t belong to me, you are not my property.
  • I wanted you to know that I could live without you.
  • I had no other choice.

What does ‘letting go’ even mean?

Letting go can mean so many different things. When an employer tells you, “I gotta let you go.” It means that you’re being laid off or terminated. When you’re on the phone with your friend and something more important in the moment comes up — you say, “Hey, I gotta let you go because [insert reason here].” Letting go essentially adds up to some kind of disconnection.

When the person you’re in a romantic relationship with tells you:

“I’m ready to let you go now."

Letting go in this context means that they realized your interest level in them has dropped dramatically. They finally realized that you need to be let go of because holding on only pushes you further and further away.

They don’t let you go — expecting you to come back. They let you go expecting that you will become a better person. They let you go expecting that you will find happiness, even if it does not include them. They let you go — wishing you nothing but joy, happiness, and contentment.

“I let you go because I myself needed to be free.”

Istill want to be with you. I still want to see you. I still think about you. I still wonder what you’re doing. I still look at my phone, wishing and hoping that you’d call. I still have dreams about you. I still think about the times we fought and what we did after. I still think about your smile. I still stay up til’ 4 in the morning, because that’s when I use to wake you up. I still want you. I still want you to be free. I still want you to enjoy your life. I still…

I still haven’t broken my promise.

After weeks of no-contact, I texted you today and asked you to call me. I could tell by your reply that you weren’t as happy to hear from me, as I was happy to hear from you. But, at least now I’ll never have to wonder. I let you go because I wanted you back. I let you go because I was afraid to lose you. I let you go because I had to show you that I was strong enough to go on without you.

You still haven’t called. You read my text & you still haven’t replied. I guess that tells me everything I needed to know. I really had — to let you go. But the night is still young and for some reason, I still have hope. But even if you don’t…

Who would have thought though right? Our little secret.

"Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it's killing us to let go."

 

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